Internal Family Systems
I remember in my 20s wanting so badly to be able to find the key to unlocking the fantasy version of myself that was confident, interesting, and radiated charisma. I wanted to figure out the problem of who I am and why I was avoiding my “potential”. This took me down a path of always trying to find the perfect strategy, the perfect guru, cycling through self-help approaches and perpetually feeling stuck. I was addicted to a good 30-day transformation challenge of any kind. Our brains are wired for homeostasis and a sense of safety. Even positive change can trigger internal alarm bells. It can be incredibly frustrating to want to make positive changes, recognize the ways you get in your own way, yet still struggle to follow through.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is based on the idea that our psyche is made up of multiple sub-personalities, or "parts," each playing a distinct role in how we think, feel, and behave. We can also think of parts as patterns hardwired into our nervous system, formed as adaptive survival mechanisms at some point in our development. Some parts are proactive, focused on keeping us connected to others. These parts might tell us what we should be doing, sometimes using criticism or shame as motivation. Other parts are more reactive, seeking to numb intense emotions through scrolling, substances, or shopping. When we’ve experienced trauma, we can have parts that develop more extreme strategies like substance abuse or self-harm.
Have you ever had an internal dialogue like, “It’s time to move on and start focusing on myself,” immediately followed by, “Ugh screw him” followed by an internal rehashing of past events? These are our parts speaking. IFS helps us turn toward these parts with curiosity rather than judgment. By observing them, we can build a relationship with them, increase our self-awareness, and better attune to what we truly need. A few of the most important assumptions in IFS therapy is that all parts have positive intentions, we don’t get rid of any parts, and we have the resources we need inside us to create more internal harmony.
If you’ve had experiences where you’ve tried to work on challenging your negative thoughts, find ways to cope through distraction or tough love, or have tried desperately to practice positive self-talk that feels inauthentic, IFS offers a radically different approach.
Some resources to continue exploring IFS:
Full IFS session
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqIhczaF9W8
